Correspondence
by poohlvr571
Summary: I'm not quite sure where this story is going, but the idea of writing something for GWTW has been nagging at me for weeks now. This is my first attempt at writing anything so any suggestions are greatly appreciated.
1. Chapter 1

_**Chapter One**_

_November 1, 1873_

_Dearest Rhett,_

_ I hope this finds you well. I am aware that you most certainly do not want to hear from me now, and indeed, that your sentiments in that regard may very well never change. Perhaps this will find its way into the fire without your ever opening it. Although, that is far from what I hope, it in an unusual way gives me the strength I need to do this thing._

_ It has been almost a month now since you removed yourself from my life. I say with complete honesty that this has undoubtedly been the darkest time I have ever faced. I feel the lack of your presence more acutely than ever I felt the pains of starvation and poverty. So now I am sitting in your empty study missing you terribly, and preparing to do the only thing I feel left to me, and most assuredly the one thing I owe you the most. I am going to be honest. Honest with both you and I about everything. Honest about every action, motive, thought, hope, and fear. In essence, I am putting aside all pretenses, and baring my soul. I know this very well may be falling on deaf ears, and a hardened heart. Be that as it may, I feel the need to at least try to set right some of the wrongs I have done you. I hope in the process that this will afford me a measure of healing as well. So Rhett, I am in essence making my correspondence to you a journal of sorts. It seems fitting. I always trusted you above all others with my thoughts, and I suspect that will always be the way of it._

_ With heart-wrenching clarity, I know the exact moment that our marriage began to crack and I must take full responsibility for that moment. It was a mistake I will forever regret. I regretted demanding separate sleeping quarters the moment I spoke the words. I wanted to take it back, but my pride refused to let me go to you. It seems as if my pride was always in the way. That first night was unbearable, and the nights that followed never became easier as I thought they would. Although I would never have admitted it before, I freely do now; I missed you. I missed speaking with you long after the house had become silent, and I missed the security of lying in your arms. It took me so long to realize that you were what kept the nightmares away, and when I cast you out they returned. Still my pride kept me from telling you I had made a mistake._

_ I was an utter fool to ever make such a request. I thought I was being loyal to something and someone greater than myself. I see now that I was only driving the person most vital to me away. Oh Rhett, how could I have ever been so blind and misguided to have believed that I loved Ashley? It all seems so very clear to me now that he was never what I truly wanted or needed. Why did it all have to become clear so very late? _

_ I knew you to be angry with my decision. I just never fathomed that it was because I was hurting you. I assumed your anger was due to the fact that not only was I denying you your marital rights, but also that I was refusing to give you more children. Either I could not or was unable at the time to think that you were angry with me for any other reason._

_ It is plain to me now that I hurt you deeply, and that is why you turned to that Watling creature. I must forever live with the knowledge that I alone drove you to her. I should have known my feelings for you were more than mere fondness. As clear as everything is to me now, I know that I was jealous of the fact that you found comfort in another woman. If only I had allowed myself to look within myself more thoroughly, I just may have recognized the fact that I loved you sooner, and saved us both so much pain and anguish._

_ Looking back through all the years of our acquaintance, I think I must have known somewhere deep within myself that I loved you. I at times would even question myself on the possibility. I thought myself utterly ludicrous for entertaining such thoughts, and would quickly push them to the recesses of my mind. I always came to the same conclusion whenever I thought on the matter; I was firm in my belief that I loved Ashley, so therefore it was impossible for me to love you. Oh how I wish I had examined my heart more completely. I just know with certainty that if I had, I would have found the love for you that I know was there all the while._

_ You know more than anyone how much I hate to look back. I have always felt that there is no use in revisiting things that can not be changed. I still hate to look back, but now I feel that I must. Since you have left, I find myself going over every moment that you and I ever spent together. I see it all play out before me as if I were watching a stage show. I see the good times and the bad ones too. I see every mistake that was made. Most of all I see the beautiful, happy, and glorious life we could have shared; that I so carelessly threw away._

_ What have my childish hopes and fantasies provided me with? Nothing! The multitude of things I have striven for in life have all eluded me. I no longer feel any sense of security; that vanished the moment you walked away. Yes, I may have money, but what good is it? It will not give me back the things I now know I value most in this world. It will not give me back Melly, or our precious Bonnie, and most importantly it will not bring you back to me. I would gladly send all the money and possessions I have to the devil himself if only I could have all of you back for just one day. I can see now that what I was searching for the most in this cruel world was love. I had it once, and I was too blinded by my childish ideals to see it. Now it has all slipped through my fingers, and for that I have only myself to blame._

_ It is growing late now, and this journey into my heart has tired me more than I dreamed possible. Rhett, I have so much more to say on so many matters. I feel as if a dam as been breached, and I must get it all out, so I will continue to write to you as if you were a confidant instead of an estranged husband. Whether you read this or not I may never know, but if you do please know that I am not writing to drive from you some sense of guilt or obligation. I am writing to you simply because I want you to know the truth of my heart. _

_Love Always,_

_Scarlett_

Scarlett stepped onto the busy Atlanta street after posting her letter to Rhett. Although she had been apprehensive about sending the letter, she felt like a small weight had been lifted from her. She knew that he more than likely would throw the letter into the flames the moment he saw that it was from her, but still she felt better for putting a bit of her tumultuous emotions into words.

All the losses she had endured in recent months were still too raw. She knew with time that the pain of losing Melly, and even to some degree Bonnie, would start to heal, but she felt that the loss of Rhett would always feel far too fresh. Like a wound that constantly festered. "No help for that now" she thought.

She wanted him to come back to her, but that's not why she had written. For once she was actually trying to be unselfish. She knew that as much as she was hurting right now, that Rhett was in pain as well. Whether he still loved her or not, their marriage and her lack of emotion had cost him so much. She truly wanted to offer him some peace of mind, and hoped that the process would help to dull the ache she felt in her heart without him.

**A/N: This is my very first story ever. So as a result I have no idea where I will be taking this. Any ideas or suggestions are most welcome. I read GWTW a bit earlier this year and absolutely fell in love with it (and Rhett of course.) I read all the sequels, and there were parts of each that I did like, but as a whole they left me unsatisfied. I went looking for something to satisfy my obsession (it truly has become one), and alas starting reading fanfic. I have read some great stories on here. There are some truly amazing writers on this site. Well anyways, the idea of writing something of my own has been bugging me for weeks now, so I figured I'd give it a go. I have no idea whether this is or will be any good. The problem I have is that I can see in my head at times exactly what I want to say, but writing it is another story altogether. Plus I don't know if I'm capable of being very descriptive with things, so that's why I thought I would at least start this off as a series of letters. Well before I bore anyone to death here, I'll stop here and just say thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this, and an even bigger thank you if you think it's even remotely enjoyable.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

_November 13, 1873_

_Scarlett,_

_ You were partially correct in your assumptions my dear; I did indeed entertain thoughts of consigning your missive to the flames. The only reason it was saved from such a fate was a pestering curiosity on my part. I must say, Scarlett, I am rather impressed with how astute you are to recognize when our marriage began its rather illustrious fall from grace. _

_ I spoke the truth to you all those years ago, when I stated that I had waited longer for you than I had waited for any woman. Truth be told, even after our nuptials I was still waiting for you. I am not a patient man by nature. Men such as myself rarely are; but I attempted to be, in the hopes of one day holding your heart and your unscrupulous mind as closely as I held your charming body. I see now it was not to be._

_ The comedy in this whole sordid mess, is just how long it appears that we have been at cross purposes. It seems we both kept silent on many matters that we should have given voice to. No matter though; what is broken remains broken and cannot be mended._

_ I will admit that the ruin of us is perhaps not all yours to carry. I did love you, once. I kept that knowledge from you for my own protection. I will not regret concealing my true sentiments for you in the initial stages of our friendship and later, through the early days of our marriage. You would have undoubtedly used my love for you as a weapon, to bend and shape me to your will._

_ Could I have been mistaken? Was there a time that your heart had softened towards myself? If such a miracle transformation did indeed take place, I must say, I was blind to it. Of course, one must be looking for such things, to be capable of taking notice. I admit. I ceased looking some time ago. _

_ For good or ill, I should have on some occasion or another made you aware of my love. I should have let the fear of your rejection, and your ever present infatuation with Mr. Wilkes, go and hang. My only excuse is that, as a gambling man, I was not prepared to lose. Well my dear, it seems we are both fools. We will both have to live with the destruction we have wrought on one another. We are you and I, both willful and prideful by nature, and those attributes have cost us much. While willfulness and pride have made us successful, they most certainly have cost us our marriage and our children._

_ It is no good, Scarlett! I simply can no longer love you. Loving you was at one time my greatest joy, but it led me to my greatest sorrow. Do you remember when I told you, heaven help the man who truly loves you? I fear there will be no help for me from above. If there is a lord, he most assuredly does not provide assistance to rogue's and blackguard's such as myself. My penance is to live with the losses my pride caused._

_ Write, if you must. You would do no other than what you felt necessary, even were I to say do not. I wish you whatever peace you may find in the endeavor. I will offer you this piece of advice; find enjoyment in those who remain. Wade and Ella need a mother, and the love of a child can numb almost any pain. I will of course, as I said return often enough to keep the gossip down, but outside of that, I can offer you no more. I cannot give what I no longer have._

_Rhett_

Rhett was seated at his large desk, looking at the words he had written. He was struggling to understand just why he had responded to her letter. "Because I am a goddamned fool, that's why" he angrily muttered to himself.

Sighing deeply, he folded the letter, put it in an envelope, and set it with the other things to be posted in the morning. Now that the unpleasant task of writing, Scarlett, was completed, what he needed was a drink. As he was pouring himself a brandy, he heard a light knock on the door. "Come in."

"Rhett dear, will you be joining us for dinner tonight?" his mother, Eleanor, inquired.

Although he didn't feel much like enduring another gathering with his mother's friends, he hated to disappoint his mother. She had been concerned for him since his return to Charleston the previous month. Many questions had been asked about his sudden appearance, and why, Scarlett, had not accompanied him. Although, Rhett was quite accomplished at keeping the truth from his feisty wife, the same could not be said about the very perceptive Eleanor Butler. She never questioned the vague excuses he gave, but Rhett felt his mother knew that there was something very wrong with his marriage.

"Yes mother, I will of course be joining you. I was just finishing with some business matters that required my attention." he said hoping she could not see just how out of sorts he was feeling.

**A/N: So very sorry it took me this long to update. I've had this chapter finished for quite a while, but wasn't very satisfied with it. I was hoping I could improve it a bit. I'm finding it quite difficult to write Rhett. In the end I've decided to post it just as it was. Hopefully this gets easier with practice. Can't say when I'll be able to update, since school is keeping me pretty busy, but I will try to be quicker. As always any suggestions are more than welcome. Again, thank you very much to those who read and review. It truly amazes me that anyone finds this enjoyable.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

_November 24, 1873_

_Dearest Rhett,_

_ I was very surprised, yet pleased to receive a letter from you today. I did not know whether to hope you would find it within yourself to write or not. As much as I longed to hear from you, I must admit I was also terrified. Your words have always held the ability to sting. Thank you immensely for not doing that, even though you would have been more than justified if you so chose. I would as well like to thank you for saying it is alright that I continue to correspond with you; although you are correct in assuming that I would continue to do so even without your blessing. As I said, I feel that I owe both you and I honesty._

_ I have within the weeks since I last wrote, been looking back on the darkest days of our lives together. I find myself wondering what I could have done to change them. Although it was too late by the time I realized the extent of my feelings towards you, I did know I felt something significant, some time ago. So, the conclusion I keep coming to, is that by remaining stubborn and silent I not only contributed to the polite indifference our marriage became, but I undoubtedly helped to add to your misery as well as my own. I look now at what both you and I being silent has cost us, and I see now that we were the worst kind of fools. How can two people so adept at business cause such destruction in our personal dealings?_

_ Thinking back over past events, there are some things that occurred that I would like to clarify for you. At the time, in your anger you refused to let me explain properly, and I admittedly didn't try hard enough to. Rhett, what happened at the mills the evening of Ashley's birthday was not as it seemed. All that was witnessed, was Ashley embracing me out of friendship, nothing more. He had begun to speak of times before the war, and it upset me. It upset me to look back on the way things would never be. In fact, I think that is when everything began to change. I can recall, that while Ashley was trying to comfort me, I was realizing that what I felt for him was no longer what it once was. At that moment I no longer felt love for him; just close friendship. If I had told you at once that my feelings for Ashley were changing, perhaps things would be different now, perhaps not. The fact that I will never know what may have been will haunt me. My only justification in not telling you is that, although my love for Ashley Wilkes no longer held me, my feelings for you were not clear at that time either. _

_ The events that transpired later that evening are things no lady should ever speak of, but I am done with the lady-like facade where you are concerned. It never worked at any rate; you were always able to see right through it, as if it were a veil._

_ The night we shared was beyond anything I ever imagined possible. You broke down a barrier within myself that I had not even recognized existed. I know this is improper to write, but write it I will. Rhett, there most certainly were only us two in our bed that night. I went to sleep that night the happiest I can ever recall being, only to wake the next morning to find that happiness shattered._

_ I waited for you to come home. I worried so much those two days you were away. I may not have fully recognized the fact that I was in love with you, but I did know that I felt something. When you did finally return, you destroyed any hopes I had. Why were you so cruel and hurtful? Did I truly deserve that? How was I supposed to respond to you after that? I didn't feel that I could open myself up to you in any way at that point. So I chose to show you anger instead. Damn you Rhett Butler! Why couldn't you for once just hold back the insults and the biting remarks? Why was it so necessary to hurt me? _

_ After you departed for Charleston with Bonnie, I tried so very hard to remain angry with you. It was useless. Once the anger over our quarrel faded I missed you terribly. I missed talking with you; I always felt as if I could say anything to you. I missed the way you made me laugh, and I even missed your barbs. Without you, I felt surrounded by silence. Truth be told, I was lonely. _

_ When Dr. Meade gave me the news that I was to have another baby, I was truly thrilled. I know you may not believe me, but I so wanted our child; your child. My hopes that you would return home reached new urgency. I considered contacting you in Charleston, but again my pride prevented me from doing so. I assumed you did not want me, so therefore I dared not show you that I wanted you. That is one of the worst choices I could have made. I know now that I should have sent for you, and let my pride go and hang. _

_ The day you returned I was overjoyed that you and Bonnie had at last returned. I wanted to tell you of the baby right away, but after all that had happened I did not know how to. I could see that you were still angry and upset. How could I tell you about the new baby, and how happy I was about it while you were being so cold and distant? The way it came out is not at all the way I intended to tell you that you were to be a father again. I am sorry that I said I did not want the baby. All I wanted was for you to be happy about it as well, and you were not. I wanted you to show me that you cared, but instead you were so callous. So I lashed out. I wanted to hurt you in that instant as much as you had hurt me. That cost us our child. Oh, how I wish we could have just put the anger aside for a time. If we had, our baby would be here today. I wanted that child to be a new start for us, and I truly believe he or she would have been just that. _

_ Lying in bed after the fall, I wanted you to come to me more than anything, but you never did. I wanted to call out for you; I think perhaps I may have. When you kept yourself absent, I gave up any hope of you and I starting over. I thought the only way we would continue on was to act as polite strangers to one another. You no longer wanted me, therefore I would not show that I wanted you. Rhett, it is very clear now that I was living in a hell of my own making._

_ Were you relieved that the baby was gone? Or did you want our child, and blame me for its loss? After the miscarriage you were so kind to me. But that kindness always held a certain distance to it. Just like you, I was terrified of you rejecting me. _

_ If Bonnie had not died, we very well may have continued on as we were. Both wanting the other, and making ourselves miserable with that wanting. As long as there was her, we may have been content to go on in that manner. But our little girl left us much too soon, and I think our marriage died with her. I feel like the blame lies with me for that. Instead of grieving with you over the loss of our daughter; I blamed you. I was wrong. _

_ I know you believe that I did not love her, but you are mistaken. I loved Bonnie more than you know. Yes, I was not a very good mother to her, or any of my children, but I have always loved them. Her death tore a whole in me that I fear will never be filled. I am truly and utterly ashamed of my words to you. Rhett, you did not kill our child. Her death was a tragic accident. I was hurting so terribly badly that I wanted to hurt you, in the hopes that it would alleviate my own crushing pain. The things I said to you were so heinous, that even if I were to apologize every day for the rest of my life, it would be nowhere near enough. _

_ As the hold that the pain and grief had on me started to loosen, I wanted to tell you that I was wrong for all I said. I could never seem to find the right time or words. So, I kept putting it off until one day I saw that it was far too long past the time for apologies. I recognized too late that you were hurting deeply as well. My selfishness and self absorption caused us both more pain. At a time when we should have turned to each other for comfort and support, I made that impossible. We created our children together and we should have mourned the loss of them together as well._

_ Is that when the love you had for me finally wore out? Was my blaming you for Bonnie when it all finally fell to ruin? The only words I can ever offer for my actions are that I am truly sorry, but that just seems woefully inadequate. _

_ I feel best to close here. As much as I know I must do it, looking at the bleakest parts of our marriage hurts very deeply. I know there were some good moments, but I think I need to fully examine the darkest chapters of it first before I can look at the good with any sense of happiness. I know that someday I will be able to see the happy times and appreciate them, but I do wonder if I will always look back with a sense of sadness at what I so carelessly an unknowingly threw way._

_Love Always_

_Scarlett_

As Scarlett sat reading the words she had just written, a multitude of feelings were fighting for superiority. As much as she would prefer to never feel anything again, she knew she must examine each one of those emotions at close hand if she was ever going to heal and find some measure of peace.

"How am I ever to know peace without Rhett?" She thought to herself

Although Rhett had left her, she could still feel him everywhere. When she would sit down to supper, she still half expected him to be sitting across from her. Each time she came home from the store particularly ruffled about something not to her liking, her first instinct remained to find him so that he could put the days events in their proper perspective.

The worst was at night, when it was time to retire. Regardless of the fact that she had banned him from her bed years ago, now she always had a sense of him when she lay down for sleep. She could almost feel his hands on her body, almost hear him talking to her in low tones.

Looking back now on their intimate moments was always mingled with joy and pain. Joy, because now that she knew she loved him she could relive those moments with the love she felt. Pain, because she knew those times would exist nowhere but in her memory. So night after night, Scarlett went to to her sleep imagining herself wrapped safely in her husbands embrace, only to wake each morning to find that it was nothing more than a dream.

Standing by the large window in Rhetts' study, she wondered, "Does he even miss me, just a little bit?"

**A/N: I hope everyone enjoys this chapter, and thinks that it has remained consistent with the first two, as far as the writing is concerned. I found it a little difficult to stay on track with the language style. I had it in my head exactly what I wanted, so I was trying to write it as quickly as possible before I would lose anything. Not quite sure about where I ended it, but I thought it might work. There was a lot to this letter, so I didn't want to overdue it. I think there may only be one or two more letters before we have them coming face to face. So bear with me, I'm hoping that when we get there I can find a way to be as descriptive as it needs to be. As always any feedback or suggestions are more than welcome.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

_December 4, 1873_

_Scarlett,_

_ Your last letter was rather difficult to read. Do you truly believe that revisiting all the painful moments of our rather tragic saga is of any use or help to either one of us? I feel confident that I know the answer, but I ask it of you all the same. You would not be the Scatlett I know and once loved if you did not do everything in life the hardest way possible._

_ Although, you have stated that you do not expect or require me to respond to your outpouring of emotion, I feel some lingering sense of duty to put your mind at ease, at least in regards to the areas where it warrants that ease. No, I suppose you did not deserve the cruelty I showed you upon my return from Belle's establishment. My conduct was deplorable; I should have exercised better judgment in choosing my words. As I stated on the eve of my departure, I was afraid; afraid of seeing that you indeed did not love me, afraid of seeing that all of my efforts were for naught; most of all, afraid that you would see the love I held for you and mock me for it. I am sorry, Scarlett, you did not deserve my words or my conduct. _

_ It pains me tremendously to revisit this area of our marriage, but again I feel I must put you at ease as much as it is within my power to do so. I did want our child. When I returned with Bonnie and you revealed that you were to have another baby, my heart soared. I wanted nothing more than in that moment to wrap you in my arms and show you just how much I loved you, and how elated I was by the news. What stopped me short was the contempt I saw in your eyes. When I looked in them I was sure there was no joy in them. All I could see was loathing. I was sure you hated me for causing you to have another child. Worst of all, I was certain you did not want the baby simply because it was mine. Even writing of it now tears a chasm in my heart. I do not want you to berate yourself over the loss of our child. The fault of that is mine to shoulder. My words to you were unforgivable; even if my assumptions had been correct I should have kept better reign on my tongue. _

_ Perhaps I have been too unjust with you in my criticisms. After all, you have done nothing more than what I always encouraged you to do. I told you to do what you wanted in life, to forget societies standards, apologize for nothing, and just be who you truly were. You did just that. Why should I grumble when you follow my direction, but neglect to show me the love and care that I knew you did not feel. Looking back now, it seems the epitome of cruelty on my part to encourage you to be true to yourself, but at the same time to punish you most severely for not showing me a love you did not feel at the time. _

_ I think that it was incredibly selfish of me to marry you knowing all the while that your heart was not truly mine. When you failed to return my love I became bitter and spiteful towards you. I condemned you because you were not following the plan that I had made for our life together. My treatment of you was of the lowest measure, and that, Scarlett, is not your doing. How could you possibly live up to an expectation that I never saw fit to inform you of? _

_ I want you to know that I harbor no ill feelings towards you. I do in fact have many fond memories of our time together. New Orleans especially, is a time that I will always look back on with great happiness. My only regret with regards to our honeymoon (besides the fact that you were not in love with me as I was with you) is that we ever returned. I often wonder if things would have been different if I had insisted on us leaving Atlanta. The only reasons I did not insist upon it were, that I wanted you to be able to continue running the mill and the store. They seemed to give you happiness and peace, and I was loathe to take that away. The other reason was rather selfish on my part; if you indeed ever came to love me I wanted it to be because of me alone, not just because Ashley Wilkes was out of sight out of mind, so to speak. _

_ Scarlett, I may not be able to be your husband any longer, but I will always be your friend. I do not wish for you to spend your life in hurt and agony over past mistakes. Take those mistakes and use them as they are meant to be used, as character builders. You my dear, have always had more spirit and character than any woman should. It is one of the things that I always loved and admired most in you. You have always overcome any obstacle in your path and you shall to overcome this. _

_ Now on to practical and pressing matters. I did say when I left that I would return often enough to keep the gossip down. I will remain true to my word in that regard. I am sure you are aware that the Christmas season is fast approaching, and gossip would surely ensue if I were not present with you and the children during that time. I have business that I must first attend to, but I will arrive in Atlanta a few days before Christmas if that is agreeable to you. I can stay in attendance just past the new year. I will of course keep up my part and keep the holidays with you and the children, as well as attend with you the required social functions of the season. I assure you that to the outside populace I will be the picture of the doting husband and stepfather. As far as our personal encounters are concerned, I want you and the children to enjoy the holidays, so I would like us to find a common ground in friendship. I would prefer that Wade and Ella not have to endure any tension between us. We must find a way to put all personal feelings aside and give them some sense of normalcy._

_ You can write to me at my mothers home here in Charleston to inform me if you are in agreement. I will remain here to finish with my business matters until I depart for Atlanta. If the arrangements meet with your approval I will wire you with the date and time of my arrival._

_Rhett_

Rhett sat that evening pondering his return to Atlanta. Would he be able to spend that long a period of time in the presence of his wife? Would they be able to keep up appearances, or would this be a disaster? As much as he told himself that he was only gong to keep the gossip down, there was a part of him that wanted to see her. He just did not dare look to closely at the reason why.

Rhett also thought of the possibility of perhaps getting her to agree to a divorce. At the thought of divorce his heart gave a very startling lurch. "Damn the woman, I need to stop reading her letters."

In his mind it was just an odd bit of sentimentality that lingered. After all she was the mother of his child, so it was perfectly normal for him to have a twinge of regret at the thought of her not being his wife any longer. Wasn't it?

Yes he was starting to feel remorse for his part in the destruction of their tumultuous marriage together. But to him there was no choice but to end his entanglement with Scarlett, whether by divorce, or estrangement and separation. In his eyes what was broken remained broken and was unrepairable. There was no chance for a reconciliation.

Why then if this was the case, did he feel a sense of bereavement and loss whenever the thought of divorcing her crossed his mind?

**A/N: Again so sorry it took me ages to update this story. I still find Rhett very difficult to write (probably because his vocabulary is so much larger than my own). But tonight I decided to give it a go and it seemed to go a bit smoother. As I'm sure you can tell, we're getting very close to an actual face to face. That's the part that's scary to me. I think I'm gonna have to play around with the writing before I get it the way I see it my head. I just hope I'm up to the challenge. So we will probably have one more letter before we get there. Hopefully I can get that up soon, seeing as Scarlett is so much easier for me to write. Again thank you to all who read and review, especially if your think this is still good. As always feedback and suggestions are more than welcome.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

_December 12, 1873_

_Dearest Rhett,_

_ Thank you for trying to lighten the guilt I carry. It does help to know that you do not find me at fault for all that went wrong. It means even more to know that you do not hate me. I would understand if you did; the knowledge of it would devastate me, but I would understand all the same. It is also of great relief to know that you did in fact want the baby that we lost. If there is such a place as heaven, it helps to think that our children our there; secure in the knowledge that they were loved and wanted by us. _

_ I find it to be a large coincidence that you would write of our honeymoon. I have been thinking back on it quite a bit myself. I truly did have a wonderful time. You promised that marriage to you would be fun, and you showed me such a delightful and fun time while we were there. Those were truly the happiest days of our marriage. I just wish that I had known everything then that I know now. I too wonder what would have happened if we had never returned. I would love to return to New Orleans someday, but I fear without you with me that it would pale in comparison to that first visit._

_ I would love nothing more than to continue to pour my heart out onto this paper but I want to post this to you this morning so that it might reach you in Charleston by the weeks end. The arrangements that you have made for the holidays are more than generous and I am in agreement with them. The children will be thrilled that you will be here for Christmas. They constantly ask when you will be returning. I have been so unsure as to how to answer them. I kept telling them that you were away on business and were unsure how long it would keep you away from home. I think they can sense that something is not quite right. Wade keeps to himself most of the time and Ella isn't nearly as talkative as she usually is. I try to spend more time with them now, but they seem to be wary of me. You were right I suppose; my children are scared of me. I have been trying to earn their love and trust and I fear that it may be impossible. I freely admit that I do not possess the patience that Melly had for children, but I do love them and have always done the best I could to see them provided for. I am trying hard to see them each for who they are and not for the men that fathered them._

_ I will try my best to keep everything between us friendly over the holiday season, not only for the children but for you as well. I know it must be difficult for you to return here so soon. I will do whatever I can to make the return home as comfortable as possible. If there are any special preparations you would like me to make, please just inform me when you wire me of your travel arrangements and I will be sure to have everything made ready for you._

_ I would not write of this now; I hate to bring to mind for you anything that is perhaps to painful to think on. But I know I need to ask, and I admit to being too much of a coward to wait and discuss it once you arrive. I have been unable to bring myself to put away any of Bonnie's belongings. One reason being that, it is just too painful. The largest reason being by far that, I am reluctant to do anything without your involvement. I will wait for you to inform me of what you would like to do. I will not mention the matter again to you, and if you say nothing I will do nothing until you tell me you are ready._

_ I will close here so that I can send this with Pork to be posted. I look forward to your arrival and hope you are doing well._

_Love Always _

_Scarlett_

He was coming home; Rhett was really coming home. Although, He had said when he left that he would return to keep the gossip down, part of Scarlett feared that he would never come back. After two long months of living with darkness, she felt like there was now a little ray of light coming through. It didn't matter that he wasn't coming home to stay; all that mattered was that he would be here, even if it was to be for only a short time. She would deal with the wrenching pain of him leaving when the time for it arrived. For now she was thrilled that the husband she loved would be home. It didn't matter that he no longer wanted her love. All that mattered was, that she loved him and that she would be able to see him once again.

After sending her letter to Rhett, off with Pork to be posted, she called for Prissy.

"Prissy I need all of the Christmas decorations brought out right away."

With a look of profound confusion, Prissy asked, "Why dat Miss Scarlett, I's thawt you'd din want no decorations dis year?"

"Mr. Butler will be home for the holidays, and I want all of the decorations up when he returns." Scarlett replied with her usual tone of authority.

"When Mistah Rhett gonna be home?" Prissy asked, immediately grabbing onto the most important bit of information in that statement.

"I'm not sure of the exact day. He is going to wire me his travel arrangements. Now Prissy, don't dawdle. Start on getting all of the decorations; there is much to be done, and not a lot of time to do it."

"I's will start right away." Prissy stated meekly, her mind already focusing on all the work ahead of her and everyone else to make the house ready.

Scarlett was in much higher spirits than she had felt anytime recently, that day as she went to her store to attend to the day's work. The only cloud that seemed to hang over her was in regards to how she was supposed to keep things neutral between herself and Rhett when he arrived. True, she no longer felt any desire to fight, quite the contrary. She wanted nothing more than to enjoy an ideal holiday with her husband but theirs was not the ideal marriage; it never had been, and each time she thought on it, the realization would hit her anew, like a heavy stone in the chest, that it never would be, because Rhett was not returning for any other reason than to keep up appearances and gossip down. She wanted to show him in every way possible that she did indeed love him and just how deep that love went, but she knew that he would welcome no such overtures from her. How was she supposed to remain polite but impassive in his presence? She no longer wanted to live in the indifferent state her marriage had become. She wanted to love and be loved by her husband. And now that she knew she loved him, how was she to refrain herself from showing it to him? She understood that he no longer wanted her affection, she just hoped that she could compose herself while he was home.

She went through the day in much the same way as any other day. She organized the books, decided which stock should be brought out, gave orders as to how the displays should be arranged, complained about the clerks incompetence; in short she had everyone standing on pins and needles the entire time she was present. But throughout it all she continued to reflect on her situation. She wanted everything to go well for the children, herself, and for Rhett as well. It was the first Christmas without Bonnie, and Scarlett knew that it would be particularly hard for him. He had loved Bonnie so much; that the prospect of facing the holiday without her exuberance and laughter must be daunting for him. She wanted him to know that she understood his grief and shared it, but she feared to even speak of their daughter in his presence.

As the day and her thoughts progressed, Scarlett wondered if she should give Rhett a Christmas gift. Would he accept a gift from her? Would he think that she was trying to buy his affection? Finally reaching a decision on the matter, she looked at the clock on her desk and decided that she had enough time. Scarlett gathered her belongings and abruptly said to the clerks, "Be sure to make sure that the display is finished by the end of the day." and left.

With a determination that she faced everything in life with, Scarlett O'hara Butler walked down the busy street of Atlanta with a destination clear in her mind.

When she reached the shop that she wanted she entered without even a second thought. She thought to herself, "Even if he hates me, I need to do it. If I can't say it than I'll have to show it somehow."

As she entered the shop the old man behind the counter looked up. "How can I be of service to you today ma'am?

Scarlett made a silent wish that Rhett would in fact see her gift as what she meant it to be, before answering, "I surely hope you can sir. You see I need a Christmas gift for my husband and I dearly hope you can have it ready in time."

**A/N: Again, so sorry to keep everyone waiting. I've had the first part of this done for a little while now. As you can see we're starting to venture away from letters and get close to "actual" scenes. That's what took me so long. I wanted to take the other parts slow and get a feel for writing the dialogue and such. I hope everyone continues to like this story. If this isn't as good as previous chapters, please feel free to let me know. All I ask is just let me know why. I can handle the criticism, so long as it's constructive...lol. Suggestions as always are more than welcome, it definitely helps me to develop the story and my writing abilities. I have some ideas written down for the other chapters, let's just pray I can tie it all together. The next chapter should have Rhett and Scarlett coming face to face with each other, so please bear with me while I work hard in my head as well as at the computer to get it right. Again thank you so much to all who read and review. You guys have been wonderful and I appreciate all the support.**


End file.
